Total Eklipse of the Heart
by Jumi
Summary: Sephiroth tries to get a job, Ultimecia kompresses time, and general wakkiness ensues with the kasts of FFVII and FFVIII.


Total Eklipse of the Heart

Total Eklipse of the Heart  
by  
Robert Silvers

Sephiroth came home to his newly-acquired bachelor pad after a fruitless day of job-hunting. So far he had had no luck in finding a job, and thus earning an income. He had originally paid for the bachelor pad with his savings from his days with Shinra, but that was almost gone and the rent was due in a few weeks. 

He stared at the answering machine, which was blinking. Finally, he walked over to it and hit the button. 

"You have five messages," the computerized voice said. "Message number one..." 

"Sephiroth! Just kalling to see if you got my last few messages. In kase you lost my number, it's 555-3125. Give me a kall. I should be home all day." 

"Ultimecia..." Sephiroth said as he put his hand on his forehead. 

"Message number two... Sephiroth! It's me again! Please give me a kall! It's really urgent! I miss you a lot and need to talk to you! 

"Message number three... It's me again, Sephiroth. I was wondering if you wanted to kome over and talk. If so, I should be here all day. Or you kan just give me a kall if you want. I'll be waiting to hear from you. 

"Message number four... Sephiroth! Please pikk up if you're there! I need to talk to you about something very important! Please kall me later. 

"Message number five... Hey, Sephiroth. Sorry to keep bothering you, but I really really need to talk to you. Please give me a kall. Thanks." 

Sephiroth angrily hit the delete button. "Messages deleted," the machine calmly said. 

"Why won't that crazy woman leave me alone?!" Sephiroth said to himself. "I knew getting mixed up with her was a bad idea. What was I thinking? This never would have happened if I hadn't been drunk." 

The phone rang. Sephiroth looked over at it, wondering if it could be a potential employer. It rang again. It was probably Ultimecia, again. It rang again. Finally, he picked up the receiver. 

"Hello," he said. "Sephiroth here." 

"Finally!" the voice at the other end exclaimed. "I've been trying to get ahold of you! I really need to talk to you! I kalled all day, but you must not have got the messages." 

"I just got home," Sephiroth said. "I've been out looking for a job. You nearly filled up my machine." 

"Oh," Ultimecia said. "Sorry about that. I guess I got a little karried away. But I really need to talk to you." 

"About what?" Sephiroth asked, wearily. 

"About... the other night," Ultimecia answered. "It was really special, and I'm looking forward to seeing you again." 

"Uhhh," Sephiroth stammered. "I don't think that's a good idea. I'm kinda going through a transitional period right now, what with trying to find a job and all. I don't think a new relationship would be a good idea." 

"What... what are you trying to say?" Ultimecia asked. 

"Look," Sephiroth began. "The other night was great and all, but... well, like I said, I just don't think it would work out in the long run." 

"Are you dumping me?" Ultimecia asked, getting angrier. 

"Well, no," Sephiroth said, trying to be diplomatic. "'Dumping' would imply that we have or had a relationship, when that really isn't the case at all." 

"You're such a jerk!" Ultimecia screamed into the phone. "Now I'm really pissed! Just for that, I'm going to kompress time! I'll skrew up the universe, all bekause you are such an insensitive jerk!" 

"Um, okay," Sephiroth started again, nonchalantly. "'Kompress time'... what is that, exactly? You mean, I won't be able to go into towns or something?" 

"You mokk me now, Sephiroth," Ultimecia said. "But soon you will learn to fear the elusive time kompression!" With that, she slammed the receiver down. 

"Yeah, whatever," Sephiroth said, replacing the receiver on the hook. "Nutty chick. Hopefully that's the last I'll hear from her." 

* * * * *

Sephiroth sat in the lobby waiting patiently. He'd finally been called in for an interview, this time with a prestigious ad agency, and he thought he had a pretty good chance of getting the job. Rather than wear his usual black trenchcoat and leather ensemble, he had opted for a more sensible black suit and tie, similar to what the Turks used to wear. 

"Mr. Sephiroth," the secretary called as she opened the door. "We're ready for you now." 

Sephiroth walked into the office. The chubby little man sitting behind the desk rose and extended his hand. Sephiroth shook it firmly. 

"Please, sit down," the man offered, and Sephiroth accepted. The man sat down as well, and continued. "My name is Ron Johnson. I've been looking over your resumé, and it looks rather impressive, Mr. Sephiroth." 

"Thank you, Mr. Johnson," Sephiroth said. 

"I guess the main question I have is this," Mr. Johnson paused, then continued. "What do you bring to our company if we hire you?" 

"Well," Sephiroth began, trying his best not to be nervous, and succeeding only somewhat. "I have experience in large companies. I used to work for Shinra, Inc., and the quality of my work was beyond reproach. I was genetically engineered to be smarter, stronger, and to display attributes far beyond that of normal humans." 

"It says here that you tried to destroy the planet, and that you are 'the one chosen by the planet to be its rightful ruler.' What does that mean?" 

"Simple," Sephiroth said. "I tried to summon a meteor to make a large impact in the planet. I planned to absorb the lifestream that would come to the surface to heal the planet, and thus become a god." 

"You say 'tried,' and 'planned.'" Mr. Johnson questioned. "It didn't work out?" 

"No," Sephiroth said, looking back on his unfortunate failure. "Unfortunately I was a bit too overconfident, and I was... incapacitated, while the meteor was destroyed." 

"A shame," Mr. Johnson said, not really caring at all. "Well, it was a rather imaginative scheme nonetheless. I don't think there's any reason to continue. You have the job. Can you start tomorrow?" 

"Tomorrow?" Sephiroth repeated. "Yes, definitely!" 

"Then I'll see you tomorrow at nine o' clock sharp," Mr. Johnson said. 

"Thank you, sir!" Sephiroth beamed. "You won't be disappointed!" After shaking the man's hand again, Sephiroth turned to leave. 

* * * * *

Upon returning home, Sephiroth looked at his answering machine. The light was blinking. Anxiously, he pushed the button, hoping it wasn't more distraught calls from Ultimecia. A chick that just couldn't take rejection was not something he needed at the moment. He already regretted having slept with her in his drunken moment of weakness, and he certainly didn't want the opportunity to repeat his mistake. 

"You have one message," the computerized voice said. "Message number one..." 

"Good God," Sephiroth said. "Here we go..." 

"Hello? Mr. Sephiroth? This is just AT&T. I was calling to see if you'd like to change your long distance service. I'll call back later." 

Sephiroth deleted the message. Maybe Ultimecia finally wised up and decided to leave him alone. Good riddance, he thought, as he tossed his jacket on the coat rack and grabbed the phone to order a celebratory pizza in honor of his new job. He almost wished he had friends to share his moment of joy with, but then he remembered that he was the rightful ruler of the planet and that he didn't need any weak traitors around to validate him. 

After receiving, paying for, and finishing off the pizza he ordered, he made a few crank phone calls to Cloud's house before finally turning in to get some rest, so as to be ready for his job the next day. 

* * * * *

Sephiroth walked into the ad agency the very epitome of self-confidence. He was, after all, the one chosen by the planet, so why shouldn't he be confident, he asked himself. As he walked in, a security guard met him at the entrance. 

"Can I see some ID, please?" the guard asked. 

"I don't have my ID yet," Sephiroth said. "I'm new here. I'm starting today." 

"What's your name?" the guard asked, looking at a clipboard. 

"Sephiroth," Sephiroth replied. 

"Hmmm," the security guard looked the list over. "No, I don't see anyone by that name on here. Are you sure you were supposed to come in today?" 

"Yes," Sephiroth said. "Could you check the list again?" 

The guard looked the list over. "Ah, here we go. But it says here that you're scheduled for an interview at nine o' clock." 

"No," Sephiroth said. "The interview was yesterday at nine o' clock. I got the job, and they told me to come in today at nine o' clock." 

"Let me call the office," the guard said. He went over to a nearby telephone and dialed a number, then said a few words Sephiroth couldn't quite make out. 

"They confirmed it," the guard said. "You have an interview with Ron Johnson at nine o' clock." 

"Well, that's wrong," Sephiroth said. "Ron Johnson was the man who hired me yesterday. Maybe he can straighten this thing out." Sephiroth walked down the hall toward Mr. Johnson's office. No sooner had he set foot in the lobby than the secretary came out the door. 

"Mr. Sephiroth," she said as she opened the door, exactly as she had the day before. "We're ready for you now." 

"Okay," Sephiroth said as he walked in the door, finally figuring out that something strange was going on, if only because this was the same secretary he'd seen the day before, wearing the same outfit. He walked into Mr. Johnson's office. Once again Mr. Johnson, sitting behind the desk, exactly the same as the day before, rose and extended his hand. Sephiroth shook it, less firmly than before, because he wasn't quite sure what was going on. 

"Please, sit down," the man offered. "My name is Ron Johnson. I've been looking over your resumé, and it looks rather impressive, Mr. Sephiroth." 

"Uh, sir?" Sephiroth asked, bewildered, without bothering to sit. 

"Is there a problem?" Mr. Johnson asked. 

"You already hired me," Sephiroth replied. 

"Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves," Mr. Johnson said. "Though as I said your resumé does look quite impressive." 

"No, that's not what I mean," Sephiroth said. "You hired me yesterday. I was supposed to start today." 

"I'm afraid you're mistaken," Mr. Johnson said, getting a bit uneasy that this self-proclaimed 'one chosen by the planet to be its rightful ruler' was now babbling practically incoherently. "Today is the last day of interviews. You are the last applicant. I plan to make my decision today, after this interview." 

Sephiroth stopped and thought a minute. Finally he came to one pretty much inevitable conclusion. 

"Ultimecia! God damn that witch!" he said as he ran out of Mr. Johnson's office, leaving a very puzzled Mr. Johnson behind. 

* * * * *

Sephiroth rushed up the stairs to Ultimecia's apartment and banged on the door, trying to be as loud and intrusive as possible. Finally, Ultimecia answered it. 

"May I help you?" she asked calmly. 

"Change it back, NOW!" Sephiroth shouted. 

"Change what bakk?" she asked again. 

"You know damn well what I mean!" he continued his tirade. "Today is supposed to be tomorrow, and instead it's yesterday! I was supposed to start my job today, you bitch! Now I just blew off the interview! Change it back or I'll kill you!" 

"The intrikacies of time kompression are not yours to kontrol," she said. "I will not change it back until you treat me with the respekt I deserve, and you will not lay a hand on me, bekause if something happens to me then you will be stukk like this forever." 

"Dammit, woman!" Sephiroth shouted again, grabbing Ultimecia by the collar of her low-cut dress. "You'd be surprised what you can live through, which you'll find out soon enough if you don't change everything back RIGHT THIS DAMN MINUTE!" 

"Get your hands off me, you kold monster!" Ultimecia said, pushing Sephiroth away and stepping back. "You kannot assault me like this! I demand rekompense!" She powered up a spell, and Sephiroth wasn't quite sure what it was. As always, he drew his well-concealed Masamune and prepared for the worst. 

"Griever," Ultimecia called as a lion-like beast that resembled Ifrit appeared in between the two fo them. "Make him bleed!" 

Sephiroth looked at the creature with disdain, figuring it could hardly compare to his superior and superhuman abilities. He spat on the ground, then pointed his sword at the monster. "Bring it," he said simply. 

Griever indeed "brought it" by punching Sephiroth in the face, knocking him a few feet back. Sephiroth recovered quickly from the blow and charged at the beast, slicing it across the face and causing it to back off in retreat. 

"Hurt him, Griever!" Ultimecia shouted. "Skar his beautiful face! Destroy his akkursed body as he destroyed my heart!" 

"God damn it, woman!" Sephiroth shouted as he tried to fend off the beast, slowly backing away and down the stairs. "What part of 'one-night stand' don't you understand?" 

"You said you loved me!" Ultimecia cried. 

"I was drunk!" Sephiroth shouted back, repeatedly dodging Griever's blows as he backed his way out of the apartment complex and into the parking lot. "I had no idea what I was saying!" 

Ultimecia ran out after him and Griever. "Griever," she commanded. "Destroy his kar! He loves it more than life itself!" 

Griever looked at Sephiroth's Corvette and grinned. 

"Oh, hell no!" Sephiroth shouted as he ran at Griever, who smacked him away like an insect. Griever roared and punched at the vehicle, denting the hood and breaking the windshield. He then tore the hood off and tossed it at Sephiroth, who managed to dodge it, despite his building rage. 

"That's it!" Sephiroth screamed. "I've had it!" Flames shot up around him as he powered up his own spell, his most powerful spell. Griever looked on, not sure of what Sephiroth was doing. 

"Super Nova!" Sephiroth shouted as the illusion of a super nova filled the area around them. Griever and Ultimecia could only look on in awe as the comet made its way through the illusory solar system before ramming the sun and exploding, engulfing Sephiroth and emanating from him. Griever fell to his knees and finally fell face-first onto the concrete, before fading away. Sephiroth turned to Ultimecia. 

"I hope that wasn't the best you could do," Sephiroth said. "Because you aren't even in my league. Now, I'll give you one last chance. Change everything, including my car, back to normal, or I will make you suffer." 

"Face my most powerful spell," Ultimecia said, summoning up another spell. "Apokalypse!" More illusory spell effects filled the air as the powerful-looking spell ran its course, only to bounce harmlessly off of Sephiroth's barrier. Ultimecia stared in disbelief. 

"How... how kould you?" she mumbled. 

"I know all your tricks," Sephiroth said. "You cannot defeat me. I am the rightful ruler of this planet! Super nova!" 

The scenery faded away again, as the illusory effects of Sephiroth's Super Nova spell began again. But this time, something was different. As the planets were destroyed, one by one, and the sun was hit, the planets began to reform as the comet flew backwards. Finally the background faded away without doing any damage to Ultimecia. 

"I know your trikks too, Sephiroth," Ultimecia said. "But they are not enough to kounter my time kompression!" 

"Damn you, sorceress!" Sephiroth said. "I'll have to kill you the old-fashioned way, then!" He raised his sword and ran at her, only to have her teleport away. 

"You kannot defeat me, foolish child," she said, appearing some ten or fifteen feet away from him. "But I will give you time to think things over. When you kome to the inevitable konklusion that I am right and that you have treated me poorly, I will be waiting." She teleported away once more, and Sephiroth didn't see her anywhere. 

"DAMMIT!" Sephiroth shouted, throwing the Masamune down in disgust and looking at his once-beautiful car. "I'm gonna kill that bitch!" 

* * * * *

After taking the bus home, an ordeal humiliating to Sephiroth, he stumbled into his apartment and tossed his jacket at the coat rack, which missed and landed in the floor. He didn't bother to pick it up. He looked at his answering machine. The light wasn't blinking. 

"Damn that crazy bitch!" Sephiroth shouted aloud, to no one in particular. He sat down on the couch, as disappointed as he was angry. "Maybe I should go talk to her, and apologize. It'd be worth it if she'd just change everything back to the way it was." He got up, unable to sit still, and walked through his apartment. He stumbled to the bathroom and turned on the faucet, splashing cold water in his face. He dried himself off, then looked in the mirror. 

"No!" he said. "I'm Sephiroth! Sephiroth, dammit! I was the greatest SOLDIER ever in Shinra! I am the rightful heir to this planet! I will not be bossed around by some foolish woman, some sorceress! If she wants to play games, then by God, I'll play her damn games, and I'll win!" He ran into the living room and picked up the phone, dialing a number. 

"Hello," the voice on the other end said. "This is Balamb Garden. How may I direct your call?" 

"I need to speak with..." he paused an thought a minute, before deciding he should contact the leader. "I need to speak with Squall Leonhart. It's an emergency." 

"And who should I say is calling?" 

"Sephiroth," Sephiroth answered. 

"One moment please," the operator said as Sephiroth was put on hold. He flinched as he listened to a horrible piece of music, which was credited to "The Garden Festival Committee." He shivered to think that a cacophony like that qualified as music these days. Finally a voice answered. 

"Hello," the man said. "This is Squall." 

"This is Sephiroth," Sephiroth said. "I-" 

"Look, if you're going to summon a comet, or absorb something, or something similar, can it wait? We're a little busy here." 

"That's not what I'm calling about!" Sephiroth said angrily. "How dare you patronize me! I am the one chosen to rule this planet!" 

"Whatever," Squall said, unimpressed. 

"Anyway," Sephiroth started again, trying to calm down. "I'm calling about Ultimecia. She has apparently compressed time." 

"What did you say?" 

"Ultimecia compressed time," Sephiroth repeated. 

"So she's behind this," Squall said. "Some of us noticed today was the same as yesterday. How do you know it was Ultimecia?" 

"She's doing it to get even with me," Sephiroth said. 

"Geez," Squall said. "Can't you psychopaths just get along? First Seifer sues Kuja for sexual harassment, and now this." 

"I don't care about your pitiful problems," Sephiroth said. "Are you going to help me do something about this, or not?" 

"Yeah," Squall said. "I guess. Can you meet me at the Garden?" 

"When?" Sephiroth asked. 

"Tomorrow," Squall replied. "In Cid's office." 

"But tomorrow will be today," Sephiroth said. "Or yesterday. Or something. What the hell is time compression anyway?" 

"It's when time gets..." Squall stopped. "Hell if I know. I just know it's what that psycho does best. Anyway, some of us SeeDs aren't affected by it. So meet me here tomorrow... er, today, errr... whatever, at noon." 

"Okay," Sephiroth said. "I'll see you then." 

"Whatever," Squall said, hanging up the phone. 

"Sure, Mr. Personality," Sephiroth said, aware that Squall had hung up the phone. "And your game sucked, too." 

* * * * *

After staying up half the night, Sephiroth awoke to the sound of the phone ringing the next morning at about ten o' clock. He stumbled off the couch and answered it. 

"Hello?" he said, still not fully awake. 

"Where are you?" the voice on the other end asked. 

"What do you mean?" Sephiroth asked. "Who is this?" 

"This is Ron Johnson," the voice replied. "You know, your boss. You were supposed to be in at nine o' clock today. You didn't show up. Do you want this job or not?" 

"Dammit!" Sephiroth said, slamming the phone down and hoping time would somehow clear itself up once Ultimecia decompressed time. "I'm going to kill that bitch!" He quickly threw on his trusty black trenchcoat, grabbed the Masamune, and shot out the door. 

* * * * *

He left his apartment at around ten o' clock. He'd stopped off to get some breakfast at Dunkin' Donuts, and he figured, given interdimensional travel times, he would be right on time when he got to Balamb Garden. 

And he would have been right on time, if time had been functioning normally. Unfortunately, Ultimecia time compression was anything but normal, and it's effects were unusual, to say the least. 

Sephiroth looked at his watch. It was ten o' clock... at night. He muttered a few more choice curse words directed at Ultimecia under his breath and entered the Garden through the front gate. By the time he reached Cid's office, however, it was eight o' clock in the morning. Squall, Rinoa, Zell, Selphie, Irvine, and Quistis were waiting for Sephiroth when he walked in. 

"Booyaka!" Selphie exclaimed, upon spotting Sephiroth. He instantly found her annoying and decided to ignore her unless interaction with her was absolutely unavoidable. 

"It about time you got here," Quistis said. "We've been waiting since..." she looked at her watch. "Three hours from now." 

"DAMMIT!" Zell exclaimed, punching the floor in frustration. "This doesn't make any sense! Yesterday is tomorrow, tomorrow is today, and what the hell happened to today?! And what's worse, every time I go to the cafeteria, lunch is over and they're out of hot dogs. THIS SUCKS!!!" 

"Settle down, Zell," Squall said in his usual calm, emotionless voice. "We need to get to the bottom of this." 

"What bottom?" Sephiroth asked, impatiently. "Ultimecia compressed time to get even with me. So we destroy her and turn time back to normal. Pretty easy." 

"To get even with you?" Irvine asked in disbelief. "What on earth did you do to her?" 

"I got drunk, met her at a bar, went home with her, slept with her, and then started ignoring her." 

"That's mean," Selphie said. "No wonder she's mad." 

Keeping true to his earlier decision, Sephiroth ignored her. "So, let's go whack her and set everything right again." 

"I'm afraid it won't be that easy," a voice said. Everyone turned toward the door to discover the owner of the voice: Edea Kramer. She walked toward the small group. 

"Matron," Squall said. "What are you doing here?" 

"I came to help out," Edea said. "I really hate Ultimecia, after what she did to me. What with the mind control and all." 

"Then let's go kick her ass!" Zell shouted, ready for a fight. 

"Settle down, chickenwuss," a familiar (at least to all the SeeDs) voice called. There stood Seifer, leaning against the doorway, acting as arrogant as ever. Behind him, as always, stood Raijin and Fujin. 

"Don't call me that, dammit!" Zell shouted angrily. "I'm gonna kick your ass!" 

"Please, Zell," Edea said, extending her hand in front of Zell in an attempt to calm him down. "I asked Seifer to come." 

"Why?!" Zell asked, not sure if he had heard correctly. 

"Because, chickenwuss," Seifer began. "I have a score to settle with that hateful witch. I was her knight, and she abandoned me when I needed her most. I'll never forgive... Ultimecia..." 

"Yes," Sephiroth said. "This is all very dramatic and all, but can we get going? I have things to do." 

"Who's this costumed freak?" Seifer asked. 

"That's not what your mom called me," Sephiroth said. 

"My mom's dead," Seifer replied. "I think. I don't remember. Damn GFs." 

"Anyway," Edea continued. "We have to find Ultimecia and force her to reverse the spell. It's the only way." 

"Then can we kill her?" Zell asked impatiently. 

"Yes, you can," Edea said, shaking her head. 

"But how are we going to find her?" Squall asked. "She could be anywhere, or during any time." 

"I bet I can draw her out," Sephiroth said. "Does anyone have a phone?" 

"Sure," Seifer said, taking a small cell phone out of his pocket and tossing it to Sephiroth. 

"Ack! A cell phone!" Rinoa gasped. "Save me, Squall!" She hugged Squall tightly. 

Sephiroth dialed a few numbers and made a mental note to ignore Rinoa as well as Selphie. After several rings, he got the answering machine he thought he would get. 

"Hello," it said. "You have reached the home of Ultimecia. I kan't take your kall now, so leave your name and number and a short message and I'll get bakk to you as soon as possible. If you are a kreditor, the chekk is in the mail, so stop kalling or I will kompress your kompany!" 

Sephiroth waited for the inevitable beep before speaking. "Yes, honey, this is Sephiroth," he said sweetly. "I realize how badly I treated you, and I want to apologize. But not like this, not over the phone. Meet me in person at Wall Market tonight at eight o' clock, or the time compressed equivalent.. I've already made reservations at the finest restaurant in town. I can't wait to see you there, dear. Bye-bye." He hung up the phone and tossed it back to Seifer, only to notice everyone staring at him. 

"Gosh, how can you lie like that?" Selphie asked. 

Sephiroth ignored the question. 

"Dude!" Irvine exclaimed. "You are da mack!" He reached up for a high-five, and Sephiroth not only dissed him, but made a mental note to ignore him as well. 

"Irvine!" Selphie said. "I don't want to see you start acting like that too!" 

"Sorry, Sefie," Irvine apologized, trying to look sincere. 

"Can we get going?" Zell asked. "I want to kick some sorceress ass!" Rinoa shot him a mean look. "Uhh, sorry, Rinoa," he quickly corrected himself. 

Seifer heard his phone ringing and quickly answered it. 

"Hello?" he asked. "The 'ell is this?" 

The others couldn't hear the other end of the conversation, but they could easily make out Seifer's loud response. 

"No, Kuja! Dammit! Stop calling me, you transvestite freak! I will not go out with you! Don't you know what a restraining order is?!" He slammed the phone together in disgust, only to notice everyone looking at him. "What the hell are you all looking at? It's not my fault that lunatic is stalking me." 

"RAGE." Fujin chimed in. 

"Whatever," Squall said simply, trying his best to ignore the drama around him. "Can we go now?" 

* * * * *

The group of heroes and villains arrived in Wall Market at about three o' clock. Only an hour before, the time compression had stopped and Sephiroth assumed Ultimecia had gotten his message and was preparing for their "date," and had temporarily disabled the time compression. Squall had organized the group in the inn at Wall Market and was making plans, using a small map of the area. 

"Okay, here's the plan," Squall began. "Sephiroth will meet Ultimecia here." He pointed to a spot on the map. "They go into this restaurant," he continued, pointing again, "and sit down on the balcony. He apologizes and this should get her to remove the time compression, and then Irvine-" 

"I think it's imperative that I be stationed at the Honeybee Inn!" Irvine said hopefully. 

"Irvy!" Selphie said, elbowing him. "Be serious!" 

"Whatever," Squall said, ignoring the remark. "Irvine, you will be here." He pointed to a location outside the restaurant, on a nearby building. "When Sephiroth gives you the signal," he said, looking at Sephiroth. "Which is scratching his nose twice and leaning on his right hand, you shoot Ultimecia." 

"Got it," Irvine said. "I can do it. I'm a crack shot." 

"More like you shot some crack," Seifer remarked. 

"Man," Zell said. "Stop bein' such an asshole, Seifer." 

"Shut it, chickenwuss," Seifer said. 

"DAMMIT!" Zell said, slamming his fist into the ground. Seifer merely smirked, proud of his latest verbal victory. Sephiroth merely leaned against the wall, bored by his newest companions and their constant bickering. 

"Okay, everyone," Squall said. "Let's go." 

* * * * *

Sephiroth stood there, waiting in the center of Wall Market for his "date." He had taken the opportunity to get some new threads from the tailor, and during the excursion he had gotten some interesting tidbits about Cloud's cross-dressing habits as well. Unlike Cloud, Sephiroth wasn't wearing a dress, however. He was wearing a white jacket, white dress pants, black dress shoes, and a light blue dress shirt. 

His wait wasn't long. Ultimecia appeared before him, looking rather radiant in a long, elegant, purple evening gown, even to Sephiroth. He almost forget about how angry he was in the first place, and had to remind himself how he felt when his job was screwed over and his car was destroyed by Griever. He retrieved his earlier rage, but composed himself nonetheless. 

"You look... great," Sephiroth said, grinning in the charming way that only he could. 

"Why, thank you," Ultimecia said, looking Sephiroth over. "You look kwite dashing as well. I kan only spekulate about what you have planned this evening." 

"First, dinner," Sephiroth said. "Let's see where it goes from there." Sephiroth was mentally smirking, deciding that his performance tonight could only be described as "damn good." He took Ultimecia's hand and kissed it, then held it in his own as he escorted her to the restaurant. Squall and the others watched from a nearby rooftop. 

"He's laying it on awfully thick," Squall mused to the others. "Is she actually buying this?" 

"Wow!" Quistis exclaimed. "He is soooo perfect!" 

"Whatever," Squall said, rather surprised to hear Quistis gushing like a typical fangirl. He would have expected it from Selphie, but Quistis? 

"He is quite the mack," Irvine said. "He is what we all aspire to be." 

"I hate to interrupt your wet dream," Seifer said. "But just be ready to shoot when he gives the signal." 

"Yeah, right," Irvine said. "When he scratches his nose twice, and then rests his head on his right hand. Got it." 

Meanwhile, Sephiroth and Ultimecia had already been escorted to their seats on the second floor balcony by the waiter, and given menus. Ultimecia looked hers over carefully. 

"The krab kakes look kwite delektable," Ultimecia pondered over the menu. "But I think I would like the lobster instead. And a Koke to drink, please." 

Sephiroth winced as he looked over his menu, hoping that he had enough to pay for this. Still, he figured it best not to say anything. After all, he could skip out on the bill later if necessary. 

"And you, sir?" the waiter asked, turning to Sephiroth. 

"Uh, I haven't decided yet," Sephiroth said. "It... uh, all looks nice. Just bring me a glass of water for now." 

"Yes, sir," the water said in a rather snotty tone. "That's one lobster and one Coke, and... one glass of water." He turned and went into the kitchen. 

"So, Sephiroth," Ultimecia began. "I was rather surprised that you kaved so kwikkly. I expekted you to last much longer. After all, you didn't seem to have much trouble with stamina the other night." She winked. 

"Ahhh," Sephiroth blushed, trying to think of something to say. "I guess I just knew deep down what I did was wrong." He took her hands in his and gazed into her eyes. "I'm sorry," he said. "I know I hurt you deeply. I was just scared, but that's no excuse. I apologize, and only hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me." 

_And I'd like to thank the Academy,_ he added mentally. 

"Oh, Sephiroth," Ultimecia said. "I knew you kared for me! Even if it took time kompression to make you see it!" 

"So, uh, you'll end the time kompression, right?" Sephiroth asked. "I mean, I do have that job, and all." 

"Who kares about a stupid job?" Ultimecia asked. "We kan rule the kosmos together! Both of us almost sukkseeded in our skemes alone. Together we kannot possibly fail!" 

_Almost succeeded?_ he thought. _**I** almost succeeded. You failed, and badly. And what the hell is time compression anyway? All you did was stop people from going into towns!_

"Um, I just really wish you would change everything back," Sephiroth said. "I mean, being chased by heroes really sucks, when you think about it. And living in a big crater isn't that great anyway. It's cold, and there are all those damn monsters down there. And you think you can order a pizza? Ha! No one delivers that far! And if they do they charge extra! I just want to live in the city for a change." He scratched his nose, forgetting about the signal and the assassination plot and just concentrating on trying to persuade her to uncompress time or decompress time or to do whatever the hell the reverse of what she did was. He scratched his nose once more. 

On the rooftop, Irvine was confused. 

"Uh, he just scratched his nose twice," Irvine asked. "But he isn't leaning on his hand. Does that mean I should shoot? Or should I wait until he leans on his hand? Or should I wait for him to do the whole signal over again?" 

"Wait until he leans on his hand," Squall said. 

"But, Sephiroth," Ultimecia said, back in the restaurant. "I kan tell you weren't kut out for a traditional normal nuklear family! You are a warrior! A konkeror! Join me, and together we will be unstoppable!" 

This was almost stirring Sephiroth's old villain instincts, and he had to remind himself that no, he did not want to be a villain again. He just wanted to live a nice normal life, and have some fun, and maybe crank call Cloud some more. 

"I really don't think so, Ultimecia," Sephiroth said. "Wouldn't you like to try living a normal life for once? It might be fun, just the two of us." 

"Just the two of us," Ultimecia repeated. "Kompressing time and kalling upon powerful blakk magik like Meteor! It kould be glorious!" 

Why wouldn't she get it through her thick skull?! He didn't want that anymore! Part of him wanted that, sure, but another part of him just wanted to be normal for once. Was that so wrong?! He propped his head up on his arm as he listened to Ultimecia talk about time kompression or whatever. 

"That's it!" Squall shouted. "That's the signal! Do it, Irvine!" He looked at Irvine, who was just sitting there, holding the sniper rifle and shaking. "Irvine? Don't tell me you're getting the jitters..."

"I... I can't do it," Irvine said.

"Irvine Kinneas!!!" Squall shouted.

"I... I can't... I'm sorry. I can't do it. I always freeze like this..." Irvine said, shaking. For Squall, it brought back memories that were all too familiar and not very pleasant. "I try to act cool, joke around, but I just can't handle the pressure..."

"Forget it," Squall said, trying to reassure Irvine. "Just shoot."

"My bullet... the sorceress... I'll go down in history," Irvine said, unable to pull the trigger, despite the fact that he'd already drawn a bead on Ultimecia. "I'd change the history of Midgar... of the world! It's all too much..."

"Worthless child," Edea said.

"Enough!" Squall shouted. "Just shoot!"

"I can't, dammit!" Irvine shouted back.

"Irvine, calm down," Squall said, trying to reassure his friend. "Everyone's waiting on you. I don't care if you miss. Whatever happens, just leave the rest to us. Just think of it as a signal. A sign for us to make our move."

"Just a signal?" Irvine asked.

"Please," Squall pleaded.

"...just a sign..." Irvine said, staring at Ultimecia and preparing to fire.

"Oh, for God's sakes!" Seifer said, snatching the rifle from Irvine's quivering hand. "You're worse than chickenwuss! At least he actually has the guts to fight! You're just a yellow-bellied coward! Give me that damn gun! I'll pull the trigger for you!"

"Hey!" Irvine shouted. By that time, it was already too late. Seifer drew a rather sloppy bead on Ultimecia and fired. The bullet didn't hit Ultimecia, or Sephiroth, but luckily only struck a vase setting on the table. Ultimecia and Sephiroth both jumped back.

"What?" Ultimecia said, looking up to the rooftop. "Kursed SeeDs! Kan I have no peace?"

"Dammit!" Sephiroth shouted. Then he remembered. "The signal! Damn!"

"What?" Ultimecia said, glaring accusingly at Sephiroth. "You were in on this?! Kurse you! I trusted you!"

"It's not what you think," Sephiroth said, realizing his chance to end this time compression was slipping away.

"You tried to kill me!" Ultimecia said, standing up. "You konsorted with SeeDs! I kan never trust you now!"

"Dammit!" Sephiroth said as he drew the Masamune. He was certain he would have to fight someone, after all.

"Stop!" Edea said as she ran into the restaurant, shooting off a spell at Ultimecia. Amazingly, it actually hit, despite the fact that people were running around mindlessly trying to escape the restaurant and the ensuing chaos. Sephiroth turned and realized she wasn't telling he and Ultimecia not to fight, but instead was using a Stop spell against Ultimecia. Ultimecia froze, and Sephiroth realized that they, that he, had the upper hand. He put his sword against Ultimecia's throat.

"Change everything back!" he shouted as he pressed the blade of the Masamune into her soft skin.

"Never, traitor!" she said, unable to defend herself if he chose to strike. "I will never give in to you or your treacherous SeeDs! Go ahead and kill me! Time will be forever kompressed! You will go on forever, never knowing what day it is, as the world and time itself forever twists and kontorts around you. Never will you have a moment of piece! Welkome to hell, Sephiroth!"

"God damn you, you witch!" Sephiroth said, removing the Masamune from her throat.

Squall and the others came running up the steps as Edea walked up to Ultimecia with a vengeful look in her eyes.

"Matron...?" Squall asked, unsure of what she was going to do.

"I hate you, Ultimecia," Edea said. "You took away my powers, you took away my life, which I have tried so hard to rebuild. I'll never forgive you."

"Worthless SeeDs," Ultimecia sneered. "Planted in a run-down garden. I hate you all. And you, Edea... you didn't lose your powers bekause of me. It's bekause of me you have your powers at all. Don't you remember? Well, I don't kare. Kurse you, traitor. Kurse you all! You will suffer the same fate as Sephiroth! You too will suffer the elusive time kompression!"

"Time compression?" Edea asked. "Compress THIS!" She drew her fist back and punched Ultimecia. Ultimecia's head jerked back, as she was unable to defend herself.

"Ow!" Zell shouted. "That's gonna leave a mark!" Seifer smirked, thinking that there just might be some hope for ol' chickenwuss after all.

Ultimecia looked back behind Edea and Sephiroth and noticed Seifer, Fujin, and Raijin.

"Seifer!" she cried. "My knight! The only one I kould ever truly trust! Surely you will help me! Help me defeat these kursed SeeDs!"

"Lady," Seifer said, strolling up to Ultimecia. "You must've mistaken me for someone else. Someone who might actually give a damn about your worthless ass. You abandoned me when I needed you the most. You hate me? Big deal. I hate you more. I really don't give a rat's ass if you compress time or not, but right now I'm enjoying watching you squirm."

"HEH," Fujin said simply.

"That's tellin' her, boss," Raijin said. "Ya know?"

Seifer reached into his pocket and took something out. Flipping it into the air, everyone could see what it was as it fell onto the table in front of Ultimecia.

"Here's one gil," Seifer said. "Call someone who cares." He turned and walked back the way he'd come, then started down the stairs. "Raijin, Fujin," he said, and they followed him down the stairs.

"Everyone has abandoned you now," Zell said. "Why don't you just give up and turn everything back to normal?"

"Never!" Ultimecia screamed. "I'll never give in! I'll never give up! I hate you all!"

Sephiroth stood by, passively, watching these people he didn't really know arguing about how much they hated each other and how much they wanted to watch each other suffer. Was he like this when he tortured Cloud, he wondered.

"I hate you more!" Edea said, slapping Ultimecia. Ultimecia responded by slapping her back. Everyone still in the room except Sephiroth and Ultimecia let out a collective gasp. The Stop spell had finally worn off. Edea slapped Ultimecia again.

"Slut!" Ultimecia said as she slapped Edea again.

"Whore!" Edea said venomously as she returned the blow.

"I will not put up with this any longer!" Ultimecia shouted as she powered up a spell. Edea cast a Stop spell again and stopped Ultimecia, but it was too late to stop her spell.

"Griever!" Ultimecia ordered her pet as he appeared in the room. "Make them bleed!"

The SeeDs and Edea gathered around Griever. Sephiroth merely looked on. He was not needed in this fight. He could see that Griever did not stand a chance against them. Ultimecia had lost. It was but a matter of time now.

Squall drew his Gunblade and charged Griever, slicing it repeatedly and backing it into a corner. Irvine stood back and fired shots from his gun at it, while Selphie unleashed an Ultima spell. Rinoa prepared to summon Bahamut. Quistis unleashed a Shockwave Pulsar just as Bahamut blasted Griever (and a good piece of the roof as well). Edea repeatedly used her Ice Strike on it, and Zell ran up and linked off combo after combo on the beast. Finally Squall stepped up and finished it off with the Lionheart limit break. Griever fell to the ground, beaten, and faded away.

"It's useless," Squall said, turning to Ultimecia and putting away his Gunblade. "Your tricks won't work anymore. We've stood against you time and time again. Know when to give up and bow out gracefully."

"Never!" Ultimecia screamed at her oppressors. Sephiroth just stood there, admiring the way she never gave up.

"It doesn't matter," Rinoa said, looking at Ultimecia. "I'm a sorceress too. My powers... my powers are stronger than hers."

"Never! Your powers kannot kompare to mine!" Ultimecia shouted. "Your powers kome from me!"

"And yours come from me," Rinoa said simply. She closed her eyes and bowed her head, and a shimmering light filled the room. A pair of feathery white angel wings appeared behind her and spread out, lifting her several feet into the air. Suddenly a shockwave of force and light shot out from her, and then another, and then a third.

"No!" Ultimecia screamed. "You kannot defeat me!"

"But I've already dissipated your time compression, Ultimecia," Rinoa said. "And I doubt you can do it again."

"I'll kill you!" Ultimecia screamed at Rinoa.

"Ack!" Rinoa said, reverting to her usual personality and clinging to Squall's arm. "Save me, Squall!"

"It's over, Ultimecia," Edea said. "Admit it. You've lost."

"NEVER!" Ultimecia screamed. "I'LL NEVER GIVE UP! I DON'T KARE IF YOU'RE A MILLION TIMES STRONGER THAN ME! WORTHLESS TRAITORS!"

There was that word again. "Traitor." The same word he'd called Cloud all those days ago, back when he first went to see his mother. He heard the way Ultimecia spat it out, sickened by it, sickened by those who caused her to say it. He knew this because it was the same way he said it to Cloud.

"That's the spirit," Sephiroth said as he cast a spell that removed the Stop spell which confined Ultimecia. "Never say die."

"What are you doing?" Edea asked.

"Evening the odds," Sephiroth said. "You don't understand, because you were never a villain. Not really. But I understand all too well. Yes, we villains are obsessive. We are driven by our instincts, instincts which usually drive people mad. But that's who we are. Are we flawed? Maybe. Are we perfect? No. But this is who we are. And people like you are always getting in our way. You don't know how much of a pain it is."

"You asked us to help you," Squall said.

"Yes," Sephiroth said. "I know, and I can see now that I was mistaken." He pointed his Masamune at Squall, then twirled it and replaced it within his trenchcoat. "Another time."

"We're not gonna let you take off after this," Irvine said. "And we're definitely not gonna let Ultimecia take off."

"From where I'm standing," Sephiroth began. "You don't have a choice." Sephiroth looked once again at the faces of his former comrades.

"Dammit!" Zell shouted, stepping forward. "I'm not gonna let you get away with this!" He put up his fists, ready to fight.

"Settle down, Zell," Squall said, holding him back.

"Later," Sephiroth said. He put his arm around the speechless Ultimecia and with one quick teleportation spell they were gone.

"DAMMIT!" Zell shouted. "They got away!"

"It was almost like this was one big set-up from the beginning," Irvine said.

"I doubt it," Squall said. "Crazy villains."

* * * * *

Seifer, Raijin, and Fujin were sitting at Seifer's place watching television. Seifer's cell phone rang.

"Dammit," Seifer said. "And they were just gettin' to the good part. Someone was gonna die!"

"Maybe it's your secret admirer," Raijin said, as the phone rang again.

"QUIET!" Fujin said, kicking Raijin. "VIEWING."

"Ow, that hurts," Raijin said. "Ya know?"

Seifer opened the small phone up. "Hello?" he said, then sat speechless for a few moments. "No! God no, Kuja! I told you I'm not into guys! Leave me the hell alone!"

"Ha ha!" Rajin laughed.

"Dammit!" Seifer shouted into the phone. "Stop pesterin' me! You want someone to call and bother? Fine! Call this number..."

* * * * *

Sephiroth let Ultimecia into his inner sanctum, his bachelor pad. He hadn't brought a woman here since he had gotten the place, but he figured now was as good a time as any, since he found himself growing rather fond of the sexy sorceress.

"Please, make yourself at home," he said, escorting Ultimecia into the living room. "I'll get some champagne. I'll just be a moment."

"Don't keep me waiting," she said, sitting down. Sephiroth smiled and walked into the kitchen, and grabbed a bottle of champagne and a bucket of ice. He noticed he had a message on his answering machine. He pushed the button reluctantly, not sure of who it could be.

"You have one message," the computerized voice said. "Message number one..."

"Hello?" a strangely androgynous voice said. "Sephiroth? A... friend of mine gave me this number, and I was calling wondering if maybe you wanted to get together sometime. My name is Kuja, and I like long walks in the park, candlelight dinners, moonlit strolls along the beach, and stealing Eidolons from summoners. Give me a call if you think you might be interested."

"Good God," Sephiroth said, rolling his eyes and quickly deleting the message. "I have got to get an unlisted number."

THE END


End file.
